Murphy's Law of CAS


New Mexico Chili Cookoff


10 rules of a gunfight

1.   Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two.

2.   Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice.

3.   Only hits count.

4.   If your shooting stance is good you're probably not moving fast enough or       using cover correctly.

5.   Keep shooting until the threat no longer exists and then stay sharp until somebody with a badge tells you to  "freeze".

6.   If you can choose what to bring to a gun fight, bring a long gun and a friend.

7.   In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8.   If you are not shooting you should be reloading or running.

9.   Accuracy is relative. Most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

10.  Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

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The old man and the gunslinger

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a pistol in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying "Hey old man have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said "No I never did dance... I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said "Well you old fool, your gonna' dance now" and started shooting at the old mans feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everyone was laughing.

When the gunfighter fired his last bullet, he holstered his pistol and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun and pulled both hammers back making a loud double clicking sound.

The gunfighter heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunfighter slowly turned around and looked down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked " Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunfighter swallowed hard and said " No. But I always wanted to"

The moral of this story is;

Don't waste your ammo and don't mess with the old guys.

 

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     A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately the locals had a habit of raw hiding strangers. When he finished his beer, he went to leave and found that his horse had been stolen from the hitch rail  He went back into the saloon and with a quick move of his hands, he spun his guns into the air, caught them above his head and without even looking fired them into the ceiling.

     "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss ?" he yelled. No one answered.

     "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back at the hitch rail by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I really don't want to do what I dun in Texas again!"

     Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back. As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, " Say partner, before you go..... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said.......

     " I walked home." 

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  Cowboy Rules for The Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10,  I-40, I-70 and I-80 go east and west, I-17, I-15, I-25 and I-35 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept...

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat   IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
  

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CULTURED COWBOY PRESENTS
Southwestern Words of Wisdom

 

Don't squat with your spurs on.  

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.   

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.    

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.   

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.  

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. 

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.  

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.  

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.  

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.  

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.    

Never miss a good chance to shut up.   

There are three kinds of people: The one that learns by reading.  The few who learn by observation. And the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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